


Dragonslaying (Is Not So Tricky Business)

by BlackberryAvar



Category: Wings of Fire - Tui T. Sutherland
Genre: Comedy, Two Drunk Dragons, Way too much alcohol., two drunk guys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-02
Updated: 2020-07-02
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:53:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25038040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackberryAvar/pseuds/BlackberryAvar
Summary: An anonymous tail (sorry, tale) told by two dimwits and their beer bottles. Read more and see :DComedy. One-shot. Complete.
Comments: 8
Kudos: 4





	Dragonslaying (Is Not So Tricky Business)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LiterallyHasNoIdeasForAnOKName](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LiterallyHasNoIdeasForAnOKName/gifts).



“So, two dragons arguing on a mountain.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Yeah, but it’s different this time.”

“Isn’t it always,” said Max.

“Yeah,” said Jack, leaning back with his feet on the table, white toes wiggling with a patch of fungus growing in the dirty nails. “But this time they’re shitfaced drunk.”

“I don’t believe it.”

“You didn’t see it!” shouted Jack, the storyteller whose reputation was on the line. He had brown hair and brown eyes and his hair was curly and it kept getting in the way of said eyes, to his annoyance.

“Neither did you, wise-ass.”

“Friend of a friend of a friend. So anyway -” here Max grunted and rolled his eyes, “anyway, two dragons on a mountain, shitfaced drunk.”

“I heard this before,” said Max.

Jack kneed him.

“Because you keep interrupting! You want me to go over again?”

“That would be greeeeeat,” said Max.

“Stafu.”

“Stafu you.”

“Well anyway, a man goes up there and starts handing out booze.”

“Wait wait wait,” said Max, getting into the story now, though he would never have admitted liking a tale so egregious, “, wait. Why didn’t they kill him?”

“Because they were shitfaced drunk,” said Jack. “Just like us two days after touching a drop.”

“Yer a lightweight.”

Jack punched Max, and of course Max had to return the favor, and very soon the disorderly cave room was reduced to shambles because of the awful row, which took ten minutes to finish off, the participants breathless, black-eyed, and glaring when they’d got out of it.

“Nice shiner you got,” said Jack. He ducked under the table not a moment too soon, and the haymaker meant for his other eye skimmed his curly hair, which was sticking up over the boards. “Hey, you want me to get on with the story or not?”

“Fiiiine,” said Max.

“Sweet.”

Max flipped the bird.

“So they’re shitfaced drunk -”

“Get on with it!”

“ - like we are - ”

Another dodge. Jack popped up with his mouth already spewing words.

“ - and the man starts handing out booze, and challenges them in a drinking contest.”

“But how -”

“They was drunk.”

“Ah.”

Max nodded, as if this made perfect sense.

“And he drinks till his blood is pure liquor, then declared booze truce,” said Jack.

“My favorite holiday.”

“They don’t know what to make of him, but of course they can’t resist Jim Beam.”

“How did they know it were Jim Beam?” asked Max.

Jack shrugged.

“The stuff smells invigorating and toxic,” he said. “No mistake.”

“Also day-old piss,” said Max.

“Well, that too. So they can’t resist the Jim Beam, and they drink and drink -”

“But only about half of it gets in their mouths because - “

“I know, they was shitfaced drunk man,” said Jack. He scowled. “Lemme get on with the story.”

Max waved a strong hand. “Yadda yadda yadda.”

“But eventually they drink so much it becomes toxic,” said Jack.

“Weren’t Beam already toxic?” asked Max.

Jack amended. “OK, now this was really toxic.”

“Just like the cats. Those poor tavern cats in the tavern of kitties,” said Max. He burped.

“The floor was covered in whiskey, since the patrons were shitfaced drunk,” said Jack.

“And whenever they licked their paws -”

“They drank it - moons."

"And when it got too much -" said Jack.

“The cats just didn’t make it,” said Max.

“Neither did the dragons,” said Jack. “And THAT is the only time anyone has ever slayed a dragon by drinking it to death.”

“Two.”

“Yeah, two, I forgot about the other one,” said Jack.

“Fuck yeah man.”

“Fuck yeah.”

A pause.

“How did he get the booze up the mountain?” asked Max.

Jack shrugged. One of life’s great mysteries.


End file.
